I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
