i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
