Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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