explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
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The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
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Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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