You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
