It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
