You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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