Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
