i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
