i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
