Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
