I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
