Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I can't turn off my feet"
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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