I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
