ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
the day after is always just damage control
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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