Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I want her autograph on my taint
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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