So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
