Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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