how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
