i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
