Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
