Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
