Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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