I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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