He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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