I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
