He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
