she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
