It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
