He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
