New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
