FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
