I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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