Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
