Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
