The maid of honor just puked.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
