i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
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i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
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you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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