why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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