Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Hippo gnu deer
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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