I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
