The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Barsexuality is the new black.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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