Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
