guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
