You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
