I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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