i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
