so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
