She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
