I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
