Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
