In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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