We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Quick, to the slutcave!
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
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